I hear myself making excuses for Ruby's lack of concentration and her need to bounce and run and move when we attend structured activities. I don't seem to be able to find the words to help people understand that she is not being naughty, that I'm not justifying her seemingly not listening to them.
I'm making excuses because i don't know how to explain her sensory needs in a way that people understand. It's not something that has a fancy label or lots of publicity. It is not something that is readily understood or explained as there are so many variables to a sensory processing disorder and how it affects each child. So i find myself stumbling and coming up with excuses and feeble explanations.
I am learning a lot about this disorder but i am still yet to learn how to explain it to others in a succinct way that makes sense....perhaps because i still don't fully understand it myself.
I hear myself making excuses to stay home and not socialise or attend playgroups and playdates because it just seems like to much effort sometimes...even though i know i should.
I hear myself making excuses when i look into the mirror and no longer recognise the person standing there. The person in the mirror is 40, overweight and a little down. I don't recognise that body or fully understand how i have put on so much weight since the twins were born. I make excuses but deep down i know it isn't because of a lack of time or energy...they are just excuses. I'm just not looking after myself and i have been eating my stress and emotions since the girls came along.
Every day i promise my inner self that i will spend some time eating healthily and exercising but then the emotions and exhaustion surface and by lunchtime i am back to square one.....and making excuses why today wasn't the day to start looking after myself .
I hear myself making excuses for my increasing snappy moods and inexplicable tears....lack of sleep, being at home all day with twin 2 yr olds, coping with a teens social schedule......but i know they are just excuses....the depression i experienced post natally is still there....still needing to be 'fixed', it's not just a bad day, it's not something to deny and hide. Excuses and denial of how i feel at times will not help me....and i say that because i know i am not alone in these sort of thoughts.
Often as parents we put ourselves at the bottom of a very long line and feel the need to pretend that everything is ok. We don't want to rock the boat or upset anyone, we need to ensure our family's needs are put first. Surely how we are feeling is nothing to serious. Sometimes it is though and we realise we should have acted sooner. I'm glad to have finally reached that point and am now hoping for sunnier days ahead soon.
I hear myself making excuses for not wanting to take Miss Teen on a driving lesson and then feeling so awful when i see the disappointment on her beautiful eager face. How do i explain i am so very scared of giving over that control in the car, that i don't want her to drive yet, that i don't understand how she got so old right under my nose....that i feel as if she is slipping away and i haven't 'taught' her enough of the other important things yet. That if she can't drive perhaps she will stay safe here at home.
Excuses have indeed become an everyday occurrence in my life at the moment....it has been a revelation though and i now see what i am doing and what it is doing to my head to be in this constant cycle.
It can sometimes be hard to face reality and find the right words to explain our actions or those of our kids, difficult to face hard truths and the fact that there may not be an immediate solution or 'mummy fix'......difficult to just be in the moment without thinking about the future.
I'm sharing my thoughts on making excuses not because i want readers to feel sorry for me but because i know that i am not the only one feeling this way...not the only one who has seen a blog or pin on pinterest today and felt a little inferior and imperfect in comparison to those parents, not the only one who is feeling down or trying to find the words to explain their child's special needs, not the only one who is emotional eating and fighting a battle with their weight, not the only one who is tired and stressed, not the only one who feels they need to do better and yet still put themselves last.
Not the only one who is making excuses. Not the only one who is feeling they are alone in making these excuses.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.....put yourself to the top of the pile for even just one day and ask for some help or support from a loved one or friend. Recognise that we can't be the perfect parent...or partner....or wife...or husband....no one can...what we can do is reach out and support one another to be the person we are happy to see in the mirror each morning.
We can try to stop making those excuses and accept we are doing the best that we can....and that needs to be enough. Sometimes there is no easy explanation or action.
Do you find yourself making excuses to rationalise or explain the more complicated parts of your life to others?
Sending a big hug out to everyone who has felt this way at one time or another....thanks also for joining me on my own journey....and allowing me to share it with you.
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